Prophecy in the News: August 2024

The Kansas City Royals have a new ballpark treat. It is a fully loaded hot dog wrapped in a cheese burger quesadilla with a BBQ brisket topped with French fries, onions, lettuce, sriracha hot sauce, Cracker Jacks and slathered with 816 sauce. Turns out the 816 sauce is embalming fluid.

RFK Jr. decided to drop out of the 2024 presidential races. His polling numbers had slipped from 4% to 2%. This had to do in part when he admitted that he had staged the killing of a cub bear to look like a biking accident in Central Park. He said he did this before a worm ate part of his brain so his followers should not blame the worm on this one. RFK considered supporting VP Harris and tried to meet with her, but did not succeed as the trellis would not support his weight.

In related news, the Washington D.C. zoo just released two giant pandas into a newly renovated enclosure. The new exhibit gives the visitor the closest look yet at a Panda in is natural surroundings. However, out of an abundance of caution, the zoo has issued a restraining order on visits by RFK Jr.

A dinosaur skeleton sold for a staggering 44.6 million dollars. The buyer was asked, “You do know that it's dead…right?”

A 2,000 year old bottle of wine was found in a Roman grave next to the bones of a male. The wine is thought to be the oldest ever found. The man is thought to be the oldest alcoholic ever found.

During the Democratic convention, participants were offered free beer with a contraceptive. The offer was called “IPA with an IUD”.

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled that boneless chicken wings can have bones. So, do boneless chicken fingers now have to have finger bones?

More than 2,300 pounds of meth was found hidden in a load of celery at a Georgia farmers' market. Authorities became suspicious when they observed people enjoying the eating of celery.

Coca-Cola announced a new flavor that mixes Coke with Oreo cookies. At long last, it’s now ok to drink Pepsi. A Pepsi spokesman said it was a wonderful idea and that Pepsi sales are now up over 300%.

In related news, a recent Peruvian headline read, “Authorities Find 12,000 Pounds of Cocaine in a Shipment of Bananas”. Perhaps the headline should have read, “Shipment of Cocaine Found with a Banana on Top.”

A sociologist was recently quoted as saying, “ When society gets to the point where it cannot tell truth from lies, it creates apathy. And apathy has always been the death of democracy.”

Vice presidential running mate Tim Walz stated that he only had 24 people in his high school class and that he was related to half of them. This had to have made prom night awkward. Walz went on to say that he owned no stocks, bonds or properties. Just a rusty coffee can full of $5's and $1's. Many people were surprised to learn that Walz is only six months older than Harris. But his much older looks became understandable when it was revealed he was a high school lunch room monitor for 20 years.

Believing meat products to be bad for one’s health, Liberal International conducted a DNA study on corn dogs. It discovered the food consisted of a mix including beef, chicken and pork. But what was most surprising was that its ancestors owned slaves!

So let's get this straight. We now go into a box store with all the ambiance of a warehouse, take an item out of the actual shipping container, check ourselves out using register scanners, bag the items ourselves, are cavity checked by security while leaving to make sure we did not steal anything, take the items to our cars and then return the cart, yet no discounts for taking the jobs of three employees? I guess we should be grateful they don’t make us drive the forklifts?