Prophecy in the News: September 2024

New polling shows that undecided voters are not really undecided at all. These voters actually know who they support, but they are just not motived enough by their choice to go to the trouble to vote. Unremarkably, the motto of undecided voters is, “We can’t decide on a motto.” Astoundingly, while 162 million people are registered to vote in America, approximately 54 million will not vote.

The most recent polling on religion shows that, for the first time, men are trending as more religious than females.

Hawaii was voted the ‘Happiest State in America’. Perhaps that's because it is the farthest away from the rest of the states?

RFK Jr. has stated that he will eat fresh road kill. This explains why he orders food using Uber. He is obviously hoping the driver will hit something on the way over.

A Michigan man was awarded the prize of ‘all you can eat wings’ for the next eight months. He won by chugging 24oz of ranch dressing in the least amount of time which was 10 seconds. Sounds like he already has a pair of free wings coming to him in the near future.

The CMA Awards announced a new category. It is a mix of country and rap. It’s called “Crap”?

A man who suffers from schizophrenia is using an emotional support dog to help him delineate delusions from reality. The sad part is, there is no dog.

Each Presidential candidate has now raised in excess of one billion dollars. So maybe they will now stop texting us?

A group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. It turns out this was the second biggest surprise of their lives. What… too soon?

The people of Ohio have recently become terrified of the weather. They are apparently concerned if it starts raining cats and dogs, it will attract Haitian migrants.

Slimy blobs have started washing up on the shoreline of Canada. They are yellow, gooey, soft and the insides are high in carbohydrates which makes them surprisingly combustible. After scientific study, it turns out they were Peeps.

A woman was apprehended by TSA authorities in New York’s La Guardia Airport trying to bring a full size “Samurai Sword” aboard the plane. The woman stated she was dumbfounded at her arrest, and was not able to grasp what the problem was. All the way to lockup.